Merry Christmas, One and All!
by AquaSkye16
Summary: R&R. Sasuke gets together with Tenten to ward off fans. Sakura gets together with Naruto to try and win Sasuke. Ino gets together with Neji to do the same. Hinata gets together with Kiba to win Naruto's heart...what!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Note: Notice this is called Merry Christmas, One and All! I meant no offense to other religions. I am not religious, I just celebrate Christmas. Other religions are nice, too.

_**Merry Christmas, One and All!**_

Chapter One: RUN AWAY! THE HORMONES ARE LOOSE!

Once upon a time on a merry Christmas day, there were many couples happily doing…stuff. And so our tale begins…

"Hinata! Hi! What are you doing?"

"O-Oh…h-hello, N-Naruto-kun…I-I was looking f-for Christmas g-gifts…"

"That's cool! So am I! Do you know where Sakura is?" the yellow haired boy grinned.

"I-I think s-she's o-over there…l-looking f-for S-Sasuke I think…"

"Not fair!" Naruto began to walk away, but then Hinata caught his arm.

"W-Wait! Before y-you go, N-Naruto-kun…w-what do you w-want for Christmas?"

"Oh! That's nice of you, Hinata! You don't have to get me anything if you don't want to, but I guess anything would be fine. See you later!" Naruto waved the shy Hyuuga goodbye and began to run away in search of Sakura.

"That dobe. He didn't really answer your question."

"E-Eh?! H-Hello, S-Sasuke!"

"Hi, Hinata."

"W-What are y-you doing?"

"Hiding." Sasuke sighed. "I have been tackled three times already today by the same mob of people. You'd think they'd know that my bones break, too. The hospital bill is going to be horrific."

"Oh." Hinata thought a moment. "W-What about o-over there? I-In the antiques s-shop, n-no one e-ever goes there…"

"Thanks. Hope your search goes well. Oh yeah…before I forget, Naruto would probably like something with 'Sixth Hokage: Uzumaki Naruto!' stamped on it or something ramen-related. See you later."

"G-Goodbye." Hinata turned and thought. Finding something ramen-related would probably be easier than finding something with 'Sixth Hokage: Uzumaki Naruto!' stamped on it unless she got it customized, and that would take at least a week. She decided to go to the market and buy something ramen-related. She guessed two large boxes of some fancy ramen would do it. She walked inside and wandered around a little.

"Hey. You're that troublesome girl…Hinata."

"H-Hello, S-Shikamaru!"

"Hello, troublesome person. What are you doing?"

"M-Me? I-I am l-looking for s-some ramen…"

"Are you a ramen fanatic too?"

"N-No, f-for N-Naruto-kun…"

"Oh. That troublesome kid."

"W-What are y-you doing?"

"Carrots. For Santa's 'reindeer.'"

"T-That's n-nice of y-you."

"Not me. My troublesome dad's just too troublesomely lazy to go get it himself."

"…"

"Bye."

"Goodbye."

Author's Note: From now on if something says, for example _With Hinata_, it means the story is now switching to what Hinata is doing.

_With Sasuke…_

Sasuke walked inside the antique store and immediately covered his nose. Everything was dusty and cobwebbed and reeked. But at least he was safe and he wouldn't have to pay hospital bills. He continued inside and began looking at some old paintings.

"Hey, Sasuke. How hard do you think that painting is?"

"Huh?" Sasuke turned around. "Hi, Tenten."

"No, you're right. I think that the really old type-writer is much better. But I don't have enough ryou for anything in this store. A really hard baseball bat might do the trick, though…"

"What are you rambling about?"

"Oh. Hi, didn't notice you were there. I'm looking for something to give to Gai and Lee, like an antique, and then drop it on their feet so their feet break and they can't train for an entire WEEK."

"Worthy goal."

"But I can't find anything in this store! In my price range, anyway."

"Oh." Sasuke thought a moment. "I would be willing to help you with your problem…if you helped me with mine."

"Sure. Give me money and I'll do anything."

"I need you…to pretend that you are dating me so that those fan girls outside that are threatening to kill me don't. You're basically the only kunoichi I know that can beat up those girls but doesn't actually think I LIKE her and I don't think is really annoying. We have the same goals, you and I…to cause havoc and destruction everywhere. Anyway, with the money I save on hospital bills I can afford to lend you some to…uh, deal with your…youthful teammates."

"Deal." Tenten extended a hand.

"Deal." Sasuke shook it.

"Now…what exactly do couples do, anyway?"

"…I dunno."

Now, here are two people who have absolutely NO romantic sides or love lives. They know NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. ZIP.

"Er, I think couples hold hands. I think. Or maybe that's Pooh Bear and Piglet. Wait. Pooh Bear and Piglet are not a couple. What do couples do?"

"…I think couples hold hands and…do stuff. Stuff, I guess."

"So, er, let's hold hands."

"Gotcha."

"In…two hours."

"Fine with me."

_With Naruto:_

"AH! LOOK! IT IS SASUKE AND TENTEN! THEY ARE…HOLDING HANDS!" Sakura yelled. "IT CANNOT BE! IT CANNOT BE!"

"Sakura!" Naruto ran up. "Hi! I saw that the dobe finally got with somebody! You know, maybe you want to go out with me now!"

Thoughts raced through Sakura's large forehead. She pictured it like this:

_"Okay, Naruto."_

_"Okay, Sakura! You're so kind to pity me and go out with pitiful me! Thank you!"_

_"No, Sakura!" Sasuke ran up. "Do not go out with this pitiful Naruto! I want to go out with you!"_

_"But you are going out with Tenten!"_

_"It was only to make you jealous! I realize the error of my ways!"_

_"YAY!"_

"Sakura?" Naruto tapped her on the shoulder.

"Oh. Okay."

"But Sakura—wait. Did you say okay? Did you say okay? You said okay. You said okay. YOU SAID OKAY!"

"Er…yeah."

"SHE SAID OKAY!!!" Naruto began to run around happily. Sakura sweatdropped. She looked at Sasuke. Maybe he hadn't noticed her.

_With Neji…_

"Wait. Is that…Tenten? With Uchiha?" Neji asked slowly.

"Who are you talking to?!" the person inside his brain asked.

"You."

"I do not exist."

"Oh. Well, talk to me. I do not know what to think. Tenten is going out with Uchiha."

"Oh. I know. You love her and are very jealous of Uchiha and are convinced that Tenten is making a mistake. You go out with that really weird bang girl, what's her name…Pig, and then Tenten realizes her love for you and goes out with you."

"Okay."

"GO DO IT!"

"YES! I LOVE PIG! I LOVE PORK! I LOVE BARBECUE! LIKE CHOUJI! YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"NO! YOU LOVE THAT BANG-PIG GIRL!"

"YES!" Neji started to run away. In search of Ino, no doubt.

_With Hinata…_

"W-Who…i-is t-that N-Naruto-k-kun?" Hinata said softly as she saw Sakura and Naruto walk past hand-in-hand, acting like a couple. "I-It cannot b-be!"

"Wow. So Sakura finally gave up and went with that guy?" Kiba said. "Huh."

"K-Kiba-kun!" Hinata suddenly had a determined look on her face. She would have to go to extreme measures to at least have Naruto like her a little bit! Even Sakura wouldn't be happy this way! It could not happen! "K-Kiba-kun, c-can y-you p-pretend to g-go o-out with me?"

"Pretend?" Kiba asked slowly. "Er, this for Naruto, isn't it?"

"Y-Yes!"

"…okay, but only because you're my teammate. I dunno what couples do, though."

"I-I think c-couples h-hold h-hands…and t-things l-like that…"

"Oh. Okay." Kiba and Hinata held hands, Hinata turned bright as a tomato. Kiba looked at her.

"I think that Hinata has a fever," Kiba told Akamaru.

_With Ino…_

"N-Neji?! THE GUY WHO WENT AND SAID HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT MY BEAUTY?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

"Tenten…" Neji wiped his eye with a hankie. "Tenten is with Uchiha! And the guy inside my head says I love her! Deeply! And he said that I should ask bang-pig girl to pretend to go out with you so that she will love me! And I always listen to him because I am lame and single and know nothing at all!"

"What's in this for me?" Ino asked.

"Well, it puts Uchiha in the single status again," Neji said.

"…okay. But we're not doing stuff like kissing. My first kiss is with Sasuke, and Sasuke only!" Ino had a dreamy look in her eyes. "And it will be with the sunset in the background on a beach with the tide coming in and Sasuke will just have saved me from a clan of evil nin—"

"OKAY! Enough. No details." Neji said, putting up a hand.

"OH YEAH! AND I AM NOT BANG-PIG GIRL! MY NAME IS INO THE BEAUTIFUL!"

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!"

_With Shikamaru…_

"Troublesome…first dad wants me to troublesomely get troublesome carrots and now he wants me to troublesome do the troublesome Christmas troublesome tree…"

"Shika-kun!!!"

"TROUBLESOME WOMAN! STOP COMING TO OUR TROUBLESOME HOUSE!"

"But I came to see you, Shika-kun! I knew you would be really sweet and say that all you wanted for Christmas was for me to be with you! So I didn't get you anything! What did you get for me, Shika-kun?"

"…nothing."

"What did you say…?"

"Er, I mean that I got you these troublesome carrots." Shikamaru tossed her some of the carrots. Temari looked at them.

"HOW SWEET, SHIKA-KUN! THANK YOU, THANK YOU! WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISSYMAS?!"

"…I want…"

"YES! I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU ONE OF SANTA'S LITTLE ELVES! COME WITH ME, SHIKA-KUN, AND WE WILL GET A LITTLE ELF TOGETHER!" Temari sprang up and dragged Shikamaru along. "AND WE WILL GO BY SLED!"

"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! TROUBLESOME ELVES!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Merry Christmas, One and All!**_

Chapter Two: Cupid is laughing at the poor little people!

_With Sasuke…_

"Oh, how sweet! They're reading a book together," an elderly lady said, watching the girl with the buns on each side of her head and the boy with the hair that stuck up in the back walk past, noses buried in a book.

"Move over, Tenten. I can't see."

"You move over. See here? It says, 'couples say romantic things to each other…'"

"Like?"

"Er…the boy usually says stuff like, 'I love you so much, blah blah…' really icky and sugar gooey stuff. The girl says stuff like, 'Oh, blah blah, that's so sweet, blah blah…'"

"Er…do we have to say stuff like that?"

"Yes! Stick to the script!"

"Er, what ELSE do they do?"

"When they're with friends, they talk about how much they love their er…mate, and they hang over each other and do...inappropriate things…"

"I think we should skip the inappropriate things part. Hanging over each other is bad enough."

"Fine with me." Tenten snapped the book shut and tossed it into a local trash can. "I say we go out and get something hot to drink. I'm getting really cold."

"Yeah. Coffee."

"Hot chocolate."

"Tea."

"Yeah, that's fine."

"Blackberry."

"Lemon."

"Orange."

"Green."

"Jasmine."

"Mint."

"Fine with me." Sasuke shrugged.

"You pay."

"No. How about we pay for our own drinks."

"That's no fun, but okay."

_With Naruto…_

"Hey! It's Sasuke and that-what's-her-face girl!"

"You mean Ugly?"

"Nnnnoooo…I think her name is Tenten."

"Hmph."

"Look! They're reading something…er…can't see…now they're talking about something…"

"That girl is flirting with him!" Sakura snarled angrily.

"EH? SAKURA CAN SNORT LIKE A LITTLE DOGGIE! THAT IS SO COOL!"

"You pay."

"No. I think we should pay for our own drinks."

"She is taking him out to a night club! I knew she was too old for him!" Sakura said.

"That's no fun, but okay."

"SHE IS FLIRTING WITH MY SASUKE. AND TRYING TO MAKE HIM PAY FOR ALCOHOL."

"S-Sakura?" Naruto tapped her on the shoulder, and then waved. "Kiba! Hinata! You—are holding hands!"

Hinata blushed and the snow that fell on her face instantly evaporated. Kiba blushed, but nut nearly as much.

"You guys are such a good couple!"

Hinata began to cry, but that evaporated too and soon she had a small cloud of mist around her head. Kiba began to cry. He was no longer single. He was no longer single.

"THIS IS A TRAGEDY!" Kiba began to run around, screaming.

"What are you guys doing?" Sasuke and Tenten were standing there, holding hands with hot cups of to-go tea in their other hands. Sakura fought to stop from spilling scalding tea all over Tenten's face. Tenten's eyes were closed and she had a smile on her face and her face was red.

'SHE IS IN LOVE WITH MY SASUKE. SHE IS HEAD OVER HEELS WITH MY SASUKE. SHE IS SMILING WITH LOVE FOR MY SASUKE.'

_With Tenten…_

'I love tea. I love tea. But this tea is really warm.'

_With Naruto…_

"Hey! It's…er…is something wrong with you, Neji?" Naruto asked slowly. "You are holding hands with Ino."

"Ino-pig," Sakura added.

"Who you said you didn't care about her beauty," Sasuke said.

"And you are emotionless and stoic," Kiba said.

"N-Neji-san, a-are y-you alright?" Hinata asked.

"Are you alright, Neji?" Tenten asked slowly.

"I AM PERFECTLY FINE, OH BEAUTIFUL TENTEN! I JUST FEEL LIKE HOLDING HANDS WITH THIS VERY UGLY GIRL BECAUSE…er, what's the word?"

"GIRLFRIEND!"

"Right! She's my girlfriend!"

Everyone fell over.

"That is nearly as bad as Kakashi proclaiming himself as a monk!" Sakura cried, jumping up.

"Hello, my brothers and sisters! Please, read the Bible on this wondrous day!" Kakashi walked up, head bald and wearing a long robe with a cord tied around his waist. Everyone fell over again. Jiraiya walked up, in much the same fashion. Everyone fell over AGAIN. This was turning out to be a most interesting day. Sasuke whipped out a camera and snapped a picture.

"Oh, so WHAT?!" Tenten said loudly. "I thought that you hated the bang-pig girl!"

"Neji," Ino said in a soft and dangerous voice. That all of the female characters in Naruto could do because they can be very dangerous when they are angry.

"Er, she is okay." Neji said, shrugging. His eyes began to twinkle and he took Tenten's hands in his and looked her straight in the face. Tenten sweatdropped and tried to inch away. "But Cupid has struck me with one of his arrows of love!"

"That's nice…" Tenten said. "But you should probably let go before I—too late."

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Neji started to run away, scalding tea all over his shirt.

"Why in the world did the author decide to make Neji look really stupid?" Naruto asked.

"Don't ask me, dobe. I think she decided that she wasn't pummeling Neji badly enough," Sasuke replied. "So she decided that I was going to be stoic and cool for him. That's why I'm so stoic and cool."

"Yes. I am stoic and cool, too." Naruto then threw away his clothes, intending to look really hot, but instead just looked really cold. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! MY CLOTHES! I TOOK THEM OFF! AND I AM REALLY COLD!"

"She decided to make you look really stupid too," Sakura said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"What is going on?"

"Oh. Hey, its bloodthirsty Gaara and that guy…what's his name…I know his face, it's covered in purple glitter."

"IT IS VERY A VERY TRADITIONAL STYLE OF FACE PAINT!"

"…oh, what do I see? No one else wearing purple makeup, that's for sure. Even Kiba is only wearing red. A manly color. You are wearing purple. A neutral color. Does that mean you want to be a girl but ended up being a boy?" Sasuke asked.

"…maybe." Kankurou's eyes began to glitter. "Okay! I must show you…my secret passion!" he threw of his clothes and Sakura, Hinata, Tenten, and Ino yelled and looked away. And there he stood, wearing a schoolgirl's uniform, complete with mini-skirt and knee-high socks. "I am really a girl! I am really a girl! But I am a gay girl!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THAT IS SO WEIRD! THAT IS SO DISGUSTING! THAT IS SO INCREDIBLY RETARDED!"

"Oh, Sakura my love!" Kankurou held Sakura's hands and his eyes began to glitter until they flew out of their sockets into the sky and became stars. "I have loved you forever! Say you love me! For I love you! Sort of! For I am gay! Very gay in both ways!"

Sakura screamed. "HELP ME SASUKE-KUN!"

"…okay, but not because I want to, because he's so annoying and everyone is looking at him," Sasuke said. He made a couple of hand signs. "Grand Fireball Jutsu!" he threw a fireball at Kankurou. Kankurou screamed and he flew off into space to join his stars/eyes. Everyone looked at what Gaara was doing. He was building a snow man. A dead snow man with blood flowing out of him and wide dead eyes. Gaara seemed to be having fun. Everyone sweatdropped. Except Tenten. Who cried in glee and began to stick the man full of kunai. Gaara got the idea and began to make more blood. And more blood. Until he finally got tired of it and went and killed some innocent civilian and put him/her in the place of the snowman and Tenten continued to pummel it with kunai. Gaara's eyes began to glitter like Kankurou's. Must be some trait in the family or something.

"Oh, Tenten! I have never met somebody who shares my interests! Please, marry me!"

"…that's just wrong. Why are all the stoic people suddenly acting like total weirdos?" Ino asked.

"ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH." Sasuke made some more hand signs and Gaara flew off into space to join his brother in exile.

_With Shikamaru…_

"Where troublesome are we troublesome now?"

"I don't know, Shika-kun, but I know we can get through this together if we work hard!" Temari squeezed Shikamaru. Perhaps a little too hard, for when she let go Shikamaru slumped to the ground. Like a lifeless worm.

"Hello, my name is Dead Bob, the lifeless worm!" A worm that certainly looked dead popped out. "What is yours, my fair lady?"

"Temari!" Temari smiled.

"Hng…" Shikamaru stayed on the ground. "This is too troublesomely cold…we're in the troublesome Arctic, for troublesome goodness sake…"

"Oh, fair lady! Come reproduce with me!"

"No! One, you are disgusting! You are dead! And your name is disgusting! And your species is disgusting! Plus, humans can't reproduce with worms, especially dead ones! Two, that's disgusting because I am only fifteen!"

"Ah! You are so much older than I! I am only twelve days old," said the worm. "Twelve days dead, anyway. You are fifteen days!"

"Fifteen years."

"Oh! Oh well, that should not matter, for I love you so!"

"But I don't love you so! Three, I am in love with my truly, Shika-kun!" Temari hugged the near-lifeless Shikamaru again.

"But he is like…a lifeless worm!"

"And what are you, troublesome dead worm?" Shikamaru asked.

"…"

"Okay." Temari started to leave, dragging Shikamaru. She stepped on the worm, who died. Again. The worm began to cry.

Author's Note! If you've noticed, I've made love triangles and squares! On purpose! Or maybe I did it by accident because there weren't enough girls to go around! With Sakura, there is Naruto, Sasuke, and Kankurou. With Hinata, there is Naruto and Kiba. With Tenten, there is Sasuke, Gaara, and Neji. With Ino, there is Sasuke and Neji. With Temari, there is Shikamaru and Dead Bob! YAY! GO, DEAD BOB! GO GET THE GIRL SO SHE CAN KILL YOU WITH HER DANGEROUS HAIRDO!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Merry Christmas, One and All!**_

Chapter Three: The Death of the Aliens and the Dead Worms

_With Everyone Except Shikamaru, the Sand Siblings, and Dead Bob…_

"…" Everyone stared up into the sky, but saw nothing. Sasuke sighed and shrugged.

"Oh well. Two less annoying people, I say."

"I agree." Tenten said, shrugging too. "Neji, now YOU HAVE TO BUY ME ANOTHER CUP OF TEA. And wring out your shirt."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Neji stopped, turned around, and grabbed Tenten's hands again. "Of course, my dearest Tenten! I will get a cup of tea for you! Which kind would you like?"

"The kind that is on your shirt. Mint."

"OF COURSE, MY DEAREST!" Neji ran away.

"…" Ino looked away. "That is just plain weird…"

"Oh well! That means I don't have to pay!" Tenten said.

"WAIT. YOU ARE TRICKING AND CHEATING BOTH NEJI AND MY SASUKE INTO PAYING FOR YOUR DRINKS. TIME TO DIE." Sakura said.

"…" Tenten looked at Sakura. Sakura started to punch wildly. Tenten looked at her. Sakura started to do complex and impressive moves, powered with chakra. Sakura started to stab with kunai. Finally, exhausted, Sakura flopped down on the ground.

"You are indeed a strong opponent." Sakura wheezed.

"…maybe you'd think differently if you weren't ten feet away from me." Tenten said.

"HELLO, MY DEAREST TENTEN! I AM BACK AND I AM WELL!"

"You mean you are unwell." Kiba said.

"ONLY MY DEAREST TENTEN KNOWS, KISHA!"

"KIBA!"

"AH!" Neji gave a bow and handed the cup to Tenten. Tenten sweatdropped. Neji started to scream again.

"Never bow with a full cup of hot tea, folks! If you do, it will spill onto your feet!" Naruto said.

"Yeah, obviously, dobe." Sasuke said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" Neji started to run and scream again. Then the other person inside his head said,

"You fool! Now Tenten will think you are weird! Act cool!'

"YESSIR!" Neji straightened and proceeded to walk coolly over to Ino, and took her arm COOLLY, and then walked over to Tenten COOLLY.

"Neji, why did you stuff snow into your shirt?" Tenten asked.

"Because it is cool!"

"…" Tenten looked at him.

"N-Naruto-k-kun…I-I saw t-that y-you a-are going o-out with S-Sakura…" Hinata said, walking over to him and covering her eyes, although they were already sufficiently covered by her little cloud of mist. Actually, on the way, she walked into several lamp-posts and walked over several people.

"Yeah!" Naruto said, pulling on his pants and pointing to the downed Sakura.

"W-Why d-do you l-like h-her?"

"I…I like her because…she's really pretty…and smart…and all sorts of other stuff…"

"Yeah, her intelligence sort of evens out your dumbness, huh? And her beauty evens out your ugliness." Kiba said.

"Hey! What, do you like her too?!"

"No!"

"Good, because you have Hinata!"

Hinata began to cry again. The mist grew thicker. She tried to wave it away. Then Temari barged into the scene and used her great fan to blow the mist away, then she jumped back. Hinata was blown away, and Kiba cried out and chased after her.

"You know," Neji said COOLLY to his inner ego, "I am very chilly."

"YOU IDIOT. I MEANT COOLLY, NOT COLDLY! COOLLY AS IN COOLLY!"

"…oh. Gotcha." Neji proceeded to pull snow out of his shirt. Tenten looked at him. Ino looked at him. Sasuke looked at him. Naruto twiddled his thumbs.

"Who are you talking to, Neji?"

"Hng…" Sakura struggled upward and faced Tenten. "Tenten! Although you have much skill, I shall still defeat you for Sasuke's love!"

"Wait. So if you defeat Tenten, Sasuke loves you?! Count me in!" Ino cried. Sakura and Ino dived at Tenten, who moved aside. The kunoichis dove into a snow drift and screamed their heads off, which bounced out of the snow drift and then screamed themselves back on.

"Wow. Not pretty." Sasuke covered his eyes.

"…" Naruto and Tenten looked on. Neji continued to throw snow out of his shirt. All of a sudden Ino and Sakura bounced out of the snowdrift. The light glinted off of Sakura's shiny, large forehead and temporarily blinded Tenten. Ino swung around to try and hit Tenten with her large bang. Tenten blinked and then in self-defense, cut off Ino's bang and Sakura's hitai-ate so that her hair fell into her face (unfortunately she missed and cut off most of Sakura's hair.) Ino screamed. Sakura screamed. Tenten looked at them both, thinking.

"Ah." Tenten brought out a shaver and shaved the rest of Sakura's hair off. "Much better." She looked over at Ino. "You know, you guys should be twins." Tenten shaved Ino's hair off, too.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" the kunoichi screamed.

"MY HAIR!!! MY HAIR!!!" Ino screamed. "MY ATTRACTIVE BANG!!"

"I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED BY TENTEN, AND IT HAS COME AT GREAT COST!" Sakura screamed. "MY HAIR!! MY HAIR!!"

"…" Sasuke looked on. Naruto cried. Neji was now heaving snow out of his shirt by the bucketfuls.

_With Gaara and Kankurou…_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! OH, HELLO, GAARA!"

"HELLO, KANKUROU! IT LOOKS LIKE WE ARE STILL HURTLING THROUGH SPACE!"

"INDEED, MY BROTHER!"

"INDEED MY BROTHERS!" Kakashi and Jiraiya cried, flying through the air. Gaara looked at them and whacked them with his giant peanut. They fell down to earth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE LANDED! AHHH!! PERVERTS!" Kankurou immediately pulled his mini-skirt down and looked at all the aliens around them.

"It seems we are in quite the predicament."

"Uh-huh."

"Put down your weapons!" the aliens cried. "And take us to your leader!"

"Leader?" Gaara asked slowly. All of a sudden Hinata crashed down upon Kankurou, who screamed.

"HINATA!" Kiba cried, sort of swimming through the air toward the stunned Hyuuga.

"IT IS THEIR LEADER! SHOOT!" the aliens took out large rays and began to shoot at Kiba. Kiba screamed.

Gaara looked at them, squished them with his demonic sand, and then proceeded to make a little pile of alien gelatin. After he was done he turned to Kiba, who was full of little holes and looked similar to Swiss cheese, Hinata who was unconscious, and Kankurou who was under Hinata and looking very happy and gay.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HINATA! I WILL SAVE YOU FROM THAT PERVERT!" Kiba swam forward and lifted Hinata up bridal-style. Which he could do only because there was no gravity. Then he fell down to the ground and his arms were crushed. Then he was lifted back up. Then down. Then up again.

"WHO IS PLAYING WITH THE GRAVITY SWITCH!!!" Kiba screamed.

"Not me!" Orochimaru called.

"Thanks!" Kiba cried.

"YAY!" Gaara was now covered in the gelatin remains of the aliens due to the upping and downing. Kankurou tried to swim around. Then all of a sudden SOMEONE pulled the gravity switch and the little group plummeted down to earth.

_With Shikamaru and Temari…_

"I troublesomely think that troublesome you might troublesome want to troublesome look at troublesome this…" Shikamaru said.

"What, Shika-kun?" Temari turned around. Her eyes widened.

The duo was surrounded by many dead worms that reeked. In front was Dead Bob, who was looking as angrily as he could at Shikamaru.

"I have come to reclaim my woman! The beautiful girl with the incredibly dangerous and ugly hairstyle!"

"But Shika-kun and I belong together!" Temari hugged Shikamaru. "He has a dangerous and ugly hairstyle, just like me!"

"Never! I got one, too!" Dead Bob pointed at his miniscule head, which had a mohawk on it. "Now, prepare to be defeated, Thou of Deer!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Jiraiya and Kakashi fell down upon the worms, crushing them. Dead Bob cried out. Then Temari and Shikamaru continued on, stepping on him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Merry Christmas, One and All!**_

Chapter Four: Afros and giant bugs are definitely in style!

_With everyone except the Sand Siblings, Hinata, Kiba, Shikamaru, and Dead Bob…_

"…" Naruto, Sasuke, Neji and Tenten looked at Sakura and Ino.

"What?!" Sakura cried, "These were the only ones that were in stock!"

They were standing there in two very large afros. Shino came running up and hugged them.

"I LOVE THOSE WIGS! THEY ARE SO INCREDIBLY COOL!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, SLUG BOY!"

"BUG BOY!"

"BUG BOY!"

"…" Sasuke looked on, kind of bored. He tugged on Tenten. "I think we should go do something…like…I dunno, look at antiques or something."

"I know, we should look at anvils!"

"Good idea."

So chicken boy and panda girl walked off. Neji looked around. "Where is my dearest Tenten? I know! I shall go look for her!" Neji ran off.

"I WILL SAVE YOU, SAKURA!" Naruto made a hand sign and shadow clones appeared. Naruto dove at Shino. Naruto was eaten by a very large giant bug. Sakura and Ino were carried away by many large giant bugs to the bugs' lair. So in a few moments the only clues as to who had been there were a couple of tea stains, a few shrouds of mist, some giant bug drool, an empty tea cup, some piles of slushy snow, two head-sized holes in a snowdrift, and a lot of pink and yellow hair.

_With Naruto…_

"I HAVE BEEN EATEN!" Naruto yelled. "I HAVE BEEN EATEN!"

"That is obvious," the other guy that was in there coated in digestive acids said.

"Oh. Hi, what's your name?"

"John. I am a counselor."

"Oh. I need some counseling."

"Sure. What's your problem?"

"Well, my crush likes the person I hate, and now I think she's pity-dating me…and then today I saw a lot of weird things…such as a lot of stoic people started doing weird stuff…"

"Tell me in detail."

"Well, a Hyuuga, he started by acting really lovey-dovey with his teammate, and then he spilled scalding tea all over himself, and then started shoving snow down his shirt and insisting it was cool…"

And they were both completely ignoring the fact that they were being digested…until they came out.

_With Ino, Sakura and Shino…_

"AH! SASUKE, SAVE ME!" Sakura cried.

"NO! SASUKE, SAVE ME!" Ino cried, pushing Sakura.

"Ah, my lovely princesses! Come and dance with us!" Two very handsome…bugs went and extended their…hairy legs. Ino and Sakura screamed. Shino came up.

"What's the hizzy, ma man?"

"…" Sakura and Ino looked at Shino. Then they looked at the bugs. Then all of sudden Gaara and Kankurou fell on top of the two bugs. Gaara screamed in delight and started to make bug gelatin patties. Kankurou jumped up and held Sakura's hands in one, reaching the other to the skies and picking out his eyes, putting them back in. "Oh, dearest Sakura! Please, marry me!"

"WAIT." Ino poked Kankurou. Kankurou looked over at her. "First, that is not how you do it. It has to be more romantic. You have to get on one knee and give her a very fancy diamond ring. Then you have to say something romantic, like, 'Oh Sakura! You are more beautiful than a thousand suns!' Which she is not. 'I love you more than anything! Please, marry me so we can be together forever!' Which you would not because she is hideous."

"I see." Kankurou got down on one knee.

"NO! Your knee has to be at this angle…and your other leg at this angle…" Ino moved them. "AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN A MINI-SKIRT, but I guess this can't be helped. Now Sakura, I must make you look as surprised and lovely as you could possibly look, with that forehead." Ino straightened her face. "Now, you must hold your hands up to your heart…" Ino adjusted. "And then Kankurou offers you a ring…and you have to have to be in a real cute position, like this…" Ino adjusted some more. "Now crack the big question!"

"Oh Sakura, you are more beautiful than a thousand suns! Your eyes glitter like…er, frog's skin! And your hair is so lovely the cherry blossoms themselves would dull! I love you and your beauty more than anything! Please, marry me so we may be together as long as our lives may allow!"

"Oh, perfect! Except for the frog's skin thing, but that is quite true. Now Sakura, you reply…!"

"No."

"Eh?"

"EHH???"

"Not in a million years, no."

"In a million and one?" Kankurou asked hopefully.

"Not ever."

"MY HEART HAS BEEN BROKEN IN TWO." Kankurou began to cry. Ino patted him on the back. Kankurou's eyes glittered and he took Ino's hands.

"Oh, Ino! You have mended my heart!"

"That was quick," Sakura sweatdropped, leaning on Shino who stood there like a statue. Gaara was now eating his bug gelatin patties and spitting them out.

"Please, I have seen the error of my ways! You are more beautiful than anything I have ever seen! Please, marry me!"

"…that's sweet, but no."

"Please!"

"…okay, but only because you'll cry all over me if I don't. I'll think about it, BUT ONLY THAT."

"YAY! SHE SAID YES!"

"I SAID MAYBE!"

"SHE SAID MAYBE!"

Shino then jammed an afro wig over Kankurou's head. Kankurou cried out. Gaara stood up, walked over to Kankurou, and threw up bug gelatin all over him. Kankurou screamed and began to run away. Ino, Sakura, Gaara and Shino followed but only because their lives were meaningless and they had nothing better to do.

_With Sasuke and Tenten…_

"Hey. That looks pretty heavy," Sasuke pointed at a grandfather clock.

"Well, even though you're paying, I still think we should keep it to a reasonable price range. And plus, I don't want a broken clock on my hands." Tenten replied.

"Well, I think you should still just take them bowling and drop a bowling ball on them."

"And I think that that will never work in a thousand years!"

"Well, what else do you have in mind?"

"…some roaring lions, actually, would do better…or even better, a rabies-infected dog…"

"Oh. Well, tying them up and throwing them into the ocean would be cheaper and more effective."

"Good point." Tenten brought out a coil of rope. "Want to help?"

"My pleasure."

_With Neji…_

"HAVE YOU SEEN MY DEAREST TENTEN?!"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I HAVE NOT SEEN YOUR DEAREST TENTEN." Asuma was starting to get very annoyed.

"BUT YOU MUST HAVE!"

"I HAVE NOT, YOU IDIOT!"

"BUT SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD! YOU CAN'T HAVE MISSED HER!"

"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Itachi cried. He jumped into the scene wearing a towel and soap suds in his hair. "I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL! NO! Anyway, WHY DID YOU CATCH ME IN THE TUB WITH MR. DUCKIE?!" Itachi pulled out a rubber duck.

"OH, PUT ON SOME CLOTHES, MAN! THERE ARE MINORS HERE!" Asuma covered Neji's eyes.

"OKAY, OKAY! Everyone's a critic." Itachi went away and came back in a bikini.

"THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT! MORE!"

"FINE!" Itachi came back in his usual garb, a long, long, long pink robe, rubbing soap suds out of his hair.

"Good. Well, better, at least." Asuma took his eyes away from Neji's and Neji stared at the pink Itachi. Then he said,

"Only my Tenten wears pink. Because she is the most beautiful and looks best in pink. You are wearing pink. You are not my Tenten. TIME TO DIE."

"EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!" Itachi cried. Neji started to attack Itachi, and then all of a sudden Sasuke jumped into the scene and stabbed Itachi with a kunai.

"Thanks," Neji said.

"My pleasure." Sasuke jumped out of the scene.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Kiba and Hinata fell out of the sky on top of Neji and Asuma. They lay there, stunned a moment, before jumping up and running away. Neji and Asuma groaned. Itachi groaned. Sasuke jumped in and stabbed him with a kunai.

_With Naruto…_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I HAVE BEEN POOPED OUT OF A GIANT BUG!"

"GOOD THINKING, GENIUS!"

All of a sudden, a giant frog hopped up and ate Naruto.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHY IN THE WORLD DO I KEEP GETTING EATEN BY GIANT NON-MAMMAL ANIMALS?!"

"N-NARUTO-K-KUN! CAN Y-YOU H-HEAR ME?!"

"Hinata…?!"

"D-DON'T W-WORRY, N-NARUTO-K-KUN! K-KIBA AND I W-WILL GET Y-YOU O-ou…"

"?!"

Hinata coughed. Kiba gave her bottle of water. She drank it gratefully and then continued, "T!"

"THANKS!"

"How are we going to get Naruto out, though?" Kiba asked. Hinata thought about this a moment, grabbed some broccoli out of nowhere, and threw it into the frog's mouth very heroically.

The frog threw Naruto up. Naruto tumbled out, covered in who knows what. Hinata's eyes began to water and she coughed and turned away. Kiba, who was used to most awful smells, covered his nose and dragged Naruto over to the nearest water source, or someone's pool, and dumped Naruto in. Naruto began to flail around until he grabbed at the edge of the pool and pulled himself out.

"What in the world has happened TO MY POOL?!" Dosu cried. "MY LOVELY POOL! NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

"I think that that is our sign to exit, guys," Kiba said. Hinata, Akamaru, and the sopping wet Naruto nodded. The group tiptoed out of the scene.

_With Temari and Shikamaru…_

"…" Shikamaru looked on as Temari dragged him along. She stopped and looked at him. "Why aren't you resisting anymore?"

"…troublesomely…hungry…no…troublesome…energy…"

"Oh, Shika-kun! I will find you some food!" Temari ran away. Shikamaru flopped to the ground.

A couple of seconds later she returned, holding a dead fish. A frozen one. Which she stuffed in between Shikamaru's teeth. "Chew!" she ordered. Shikamaru obeyed, as much as he could, but only because otherwise he wouldn't be able to breathe. His mouth already stank, anyway.

"Troublesome where in the troublesome world did troublesome you troublesome get a troublesome fish?! In the troublesome Arctic?! Even a troublesomely frozen one?!"

"Oh. That…"

A large group of hungry seals came charging their way. Temari started to run away, and Shikamaru was dragged along.

"Someone…troublesomely help me…"


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Merry Christmas, One and All!**_

Chapter Five: Lee and Gai are going to a pool!

_With Sakura, Ino, Kankurou, Gaara, and Shino…_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! WAIT! Why are we running around, again?" Kankurou asked.

"I TOLD YOU, WE ARE RUNNING FROM PERVERTS!"

"In other words, Gaara spit up on you."

"Oh. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Kankurou started to run again.

"Well, at the very least this'll keep him going to Konoha," Ino said, clutching to him.

"Plus, we don't have to run. We get a free ride." Sakura said.

"Except Shino. He's riding on a giant caterpillar."

"Which is really lame, if you think about it."

"YAY!" Gaara shouted, making a beard for himself out of bug and alien gelatin.

"…"

_With Sasuke and Tenten…_

"Ah! Youthful flower! And…Sasuke! Who stole my youthful move! What brings you here, youthfully?"

"…he recognized us."

"Duh," Sasuke said. "You said you didn't like feeling like wearing a black hood because you felt like you were being smothered, and the black hood flattens my hair. And so we just wore evil-looking black ninja gear. Which doesn't exactly look odd because WE ARE ninja."

"Whatever. Let's get on with it."

"Sure." Sasuke shrugged. He brought a giant hammer and knocked Lee out. Tenten was about to begin tying him up when…

"MY DEAREST TENTEN!"

"Neji."

"Hyuuga."

"MY DEAREST TENTEN! AND THE UCHIHA!"

"…"

"…"

"OH, DEAREST TENTEN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Tying Lee up and I was about to throw him into the sea. Same with Gai."

"You know, it just occurred to me…if you erased Lee and Gai, you know that Naruto is an ongoing series, right? So everyone would say, 'Where are Lee and Gai, the youthful duo?'" Sasuke said.

"Right. Tying Lee and Gai up and sending them away from the mainland in a canoe."

"A YOUTHFUL CANOE!" Lee cried in his unconsciousness. Sasuke hit him with the hammer.

"I meant, a motored boat."

"OH, LET ME HELP YOU!" Neji drew a tied up Gai out of nowhere and a boat. He put Lee in it and threw them far, far, far away. "OH DEAREST TENTEN, ANYTHING FOR YOU!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Sasuke and Tenten covered their heads. Kankurou, Sakura, Ino, Shino and Gaara came barging into the scene. Kankurou stopped and then unloaded his cargo. Gaara jumped off, smothered in bug and alien gel, and ran up to Tenten, eyes glittering, and grabbed her hands.

"Tenten! It has been such a long time, but I am honored to see your beauty and your bloodlust once more!"

"OH, COME ON! THEY WENT AND CRASHED INTO THE SKY!" Sasuke yelled. Gaara's eyes glittered like stars.

"That's nice." Tenten sweatdropped and edged away. "You are covered in green gel. Why?"

"It is bug and alien gel, just for you!" Gaara gave her a BIG hug. A shiver ran down Tenten's spine and she resisted the urge to shriek girlishly.

"What. Are. You. Doing. To. My. Tenten." Neji said slowly.

"Hugging her and smothering her in alien and bug guts and innards!"

"DIE! TENTEN IS AND WILL REMAIN EVER PERFECT! DO NOT TAINT HER PERFECTNESS WITH YOUR UNPERFECTNESS!"

"THAT IS SUCH A YOUTHFUL COLOR YOU ARE SMOTHERED IN, TENTEN!" Lee and Gai yelled from the other scene. Sasuke chucked the hammer at them. "OW!"

Meanwhile, Neji ran at Gaara. Gaara shrieked and grinned and ran at him. Then Kin jumped into the scene and hugged Neji.

"I LOVE YOU, NEJI!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"…" Tenten looked at them and tried to wipe some of the green sludge off herself, and it plopped onto the ground sickeningly. Shino's eyes widened and he began to cry.

"NO! FRED THE THIRD!"

"You name your bugs?" Tenten looked closer and saw that she had immersed a small bug in green sludge.

"FRED THE THIRD HAD KIDS AT HOME! NO! IT CANNOT BE!" Shino jumped out of the scene and jumped back in, wearing a black veil and a black dress with a black handkerchief held to his black sunglasses. Sakura and Ino sweatdropped before turning to Tenten, who was trying to shake Gaara off. Neji was, in a similar manner, trying to shake Kin off.

Sakura pointed a finger. "Tenten, you have violated the rules!"

"What rules!"

"These rules! That I made up a couple of minutes ago as you were distracted by Gaara's hug!" Sakura handed Tenten a sheet of paper with some messy words scrawled on it. Tenten began to read, Gaara sliding off her because of the slickness of the green gelatin.

Sasuke belongs to Sakura.

Sasuke only loves Sakura.

Sasuke adores Sakura.

Sasuke devotes himself to Sakura.

Everyone else is so incredibly lame and ugly Sasuke could not bear to love anyone else.

Sakura is beautiful and intelligent.

Sasuke is cool and handsome and intelligent.

Sasuke and Sakura belong together.

Tenten and Ino stink the most.

Tenten is really lame and has no fashion sense.

Ino looks piggish.

"All right…" Tenten sweatdropped. Ino handed Tenten a sheet of paper with more messy scrawling on it.

"THESE ARE THE TRUE RULES!"

Tenten began to read.

Sasuke belongs to Ino.

Sasuke only loves Ino.

Sasuke adores Ino.

Sasuke devotes himself to Ino.

Everyone else (especially Sakura and Tenten) are so incredibly lame and ugly Sasuke couldn't love anyone else.

Ino is beautiful and intelligent.

Sasuke is cool and handsome and intelligent.

Ino and Sasuke belong together.

Ino does not mean "pig," anymore. It means "beautiful", now.

Sakura has a very large forehead and her ugliness blinds everybody around her.

Tenten is a sadistic freak with a very lame hairstyle.

"Okay…" Tenten drew out a piece of paper and began to write. She handed the paper to Ino and Sakura, and they began to read the neat cursive.

Tenten is the greatest in the world.

Tenten will rule the world.

Tenten is the empress of China.

Tenten gets all the guys.

Because Tenten gets all the guys, she doesn't care about any of them.

Tenten likes to hurt people. Very much.

Tenten likes tea.

Ino looks like a pig.

Sakura has a very large forehead.

Tenten has all the very sharp weapons.

Tenten has all the atomic bombs. And the machine gun.

"Right! These are the best rules!" Sakura and Ino said, quickly ripping up theirs. Tenten smiled, satisfied. Kankurou jumped on Ino.

"OH, INO! YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES!"

"YEAH! YOUR WONDERFUL MAKEUP-LINED EYES!"

"OH, I KNEW YOU WOULD BE HAPPY!"

So now Neji was trying to shake Kin off, Tenten was trying to shake Gaara off, and Ino was trying to shake Kankurou off. Then Tenten stopped and looked at Ino.

"Didn't Kankurou like Sakura…just a few hours ago?"

"Yeah…long story…he got shot down and I MISTAKENLY pitied him…he's still wearing the mini-skirt, though…"

"OH, INO!" Kankurou came up, suddenly wearing a very short bride's gown. "I KNEW YOU WOULD SAY YES TO MARRY ME!"

"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

"MY HEART IS BROKEN IN TWO!"

"YOU LAME, PITIFUL WRETCH OF A NINJA!" Tenten yelled at Kankurou.

"OH, TENTEN!" Kankurou jumped up and held Tenten's hands. "YOU HAVE CURED MY HEARTSICK!"

"…how about I shoot you down, and then you go over to Kin? That should make a love triangle over there. I already have a square."

"OKAY!"

"ALRIGHT! PREPARE TO DIE!" Tenten drew out her machine gun and shot Kankurou, who screamed. He then jumped over to Kin, eyes glittering.

"OH, KIN! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND I WILL NEVER GIVE YOU UP, EVER!"

"SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"NEVER!"

"…" and Sasuke watched all of this with partially-closed eyes, drinking a cup of tea, one hand on the shoulder of the crying Aburame.

_With Naruto, Hinata, Kiba, Akamaru, and Dosu…_

"MY POOL! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY GLORIOUS POOL?!"

"WASHED OFF DIGESTED BUG FOOD, BUG STOMACH ACIDS, FROG SPIT, AND FROG THROW-UP IN IT!" Kiba cried.

"WHY ARE YOU SO INCREDIBLY HONEST?!" Naruto yelled.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE PROBABLY THE ONE WHO'LL GET PUMMELED FIRST, GIVING ME TIME TO ESCAPE!"

"A-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Hinata cried.

"Oh, hey, look! It's Konoha…AND WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HAPPENING OVER THERE?!"

_With Temari and Shikamaru (Dead Bob is finally no more)…_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Shikamaru screamed.

"SEALS! HORRID CREATURES!" Temari cried. Then she stopped. "Wait. If they are horrid creatures…what is stopping me from…exterminating them…?"

"W-What, troublesome woman!" Shikamaru said. Then he closed his eyes. "Oh well. Seal for the troublesome Christmas dinner, I guess. At troublesome least it's troublesomely better than troublesome carrots or something."

Author's Note: Don't mind this if you don't want to. I'm just ticking off the couples I've covered so far. SasukeXTenten, NejiXTenten, KankurouXTenten, GaaraXTenten, InoXKankurou, InoXSasuke, SakuraXKankurou, SakuraXNaruto, SakuraXSasuke, KankurouXKin, NejiXKin, KibaXHinata, NarutoXHinata, DosuXPool, TemariXShikamaru, and TemariXDead Bob, TemariXSeals (hate)

Author's Note: If you're wondering why I'm not gonna make fun of the InoXShikamaru couple although I support TemariXShikamaru, it's because a lot of people support InoXShikamaru. I don't want a bunch of angry fans on my back and a bunch of flames crowding my inbox.

Author's Note: If you got this far, don't flame me for the bad couples. I purposely made it that way. In fact, I'm trying to cover all the couples, but I'm not sure that is possible.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Merry Christmas, One and All!**_

Chapter Six: Hey! Sailor Moon's on the T.V!

_With everybody except Shikamaru and Temari…_

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S KIBA, HINATA, NARUTO, AND AKAMARU BEING CHASED BY DOSU…IN A SWIMSUIT!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! DOSU IS REALLY…"

"A GIRL!" Dosu cried. For Dosu was in a bikini. Actually, it was the one Itachi had thrown away a couple of hours before. "I SUPPOSE I MUST COME OUT!"

"…" Sasuke sweatdropped. "Not sure I want to hear the story…" but everyone sat down anyway.

"I dressed up as a boy because…of my secret love!"

"…secret love."

"Yes! My secret love…Zaku!"

"…Zaku…"

"Yes! Zaku is my secret love!"

"…not so secret anymore…"

"If I was a boy I could be on the same team as him! And I could get close to him!" Dosu blushed.

"…but you are a boy. It's legal." Sasuke held up the birth certificate.

"I AM NOT A BOY, I AM A GIRL! I AM STRAIGHT! I GET TO BE WITH ZAKU!"

"…" Zaku was silent. He looked around. "Jeez…and I just came to get Kin and Dosu…now this is very awkward…"

"It is." Tenten knodded.

"ZAKU! MY LOVE! NOW WE CAN LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!" Dosu jumped up and grabbed Zaku, who cried out and tried to run away.

"Talk about shameless…" Kin said, clinging to Neji.

"Yeah…you're talking about yourself, right?" Naruto asked.

"NO! ABOUT MY DORKY TEAMMATE, DOSU!"

"Ah! But I have not told the whole story!" Dosu grabbed Kin and hugged her tightly. Kin screamed. "For over the years, I have come to love Kin as well!"

"…"

"THAT IS DISGUSTING! YOU LOVE A BOY AND A GIRL! THAT WAY IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE A BOY OR A GIRL! YOU ARE NOT STRAIGHT!" Kin and Zaku yelled. Dosu began to cry, and Shino handed him one of his black handkerchiefs. Sasuke and Tenten tried to tiptoe away, but not before they were caught by Sakura, Ino, and Neji.

"NO WAY! YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF OUR SIGHT, SASUKE! TENTEN!"

"YEAH!"

"DEAREST TENTEN, DO NOT LEAVE ME SO!"

Now, let us organize ourselves. Zaku and Kin are yelling at Dosu, Dosu was crying, Shino was crying, Sasuke and Tenten were trying to get away, Ino, Sakura, and Neji were trying to stop them from getting away, Naruto, Kiba, Hinata, and Akamaru were watching and staring, Gaara was latched onto Tenten, Kankurou was latched onto Kin, and Temari and Shikamaru were heading to the North Pole. The writer is collapsing under the pressure of writing so many characters' dialogue and having them all be in the same scene at the same time. So she goes and writes in, "Dosu, Neji, Tenten, Sasuke, Sakura and Gaara are shipped away in one direction. Kiba, Hinata, Naruto, Akamaru, Kin, and Kankurou are shipped in another direction. Zaku, Ino, and Shino are shipped in another direction. Shikamaru and Temari continue on to the North Pole." Ah. Much better.

_With Dosu, Neji, Tenten, Sakura and Gaara…_

"WHERE IN THE WORLD ARE WE?!" Sakura yelled.

"I'm not sure." Sasuke said slowly.

"I am Sailor Moon, defender of justice!" Some girl in a sailor's suit was standing and facing off with a…giant plant. That is really lame. (Author's Note: If you do not know about Sailor Moon you have been living under a rock. Also, I noticed Sailor Moon faces off with a lot of lame bad guys. So this is a lame bad guy.) The girl started to laugh high-pitched and freakishly. (Note: I am going to make Sailor Moon look really lame. So if you are a fan, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO READ.)

"WAIT." Tenten put up a hand. The girl looked over at her. "YOU HAVE TWO BUNS ON EITHER SIDE OF YOUR HEAD. TWO BUNS IS MY THING. AND, IF YOU HAVE YOUR HAIR UP IN BUNS, WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE TWO PONYTAILS THAT PRACTICALLY TRAIL ON THE GROUND? YOUR HAIR IS RIDICULOUSLY LONG. YOUR HAIR IS RIDICULOUSLY LONG. YOU COULD NOT HAVE GROWN THAT IN FOURTEEN YEARS. AND WHY ARE YOU PAIRED WITH SOMEONE WHO IS OBVIOUSLY MUCH OLDER THAN YOU? ALSO, WHY DO YOU LOOK SO WEIRD? WHY IS YOUR COSTUME SO WEIRD? WHY ARE YOU SO WEIRD? WHY DO YOU FACE OFF WITH LAME BAD GUYS? I MEAN, THAT'S REALLY WEIRD. LIKE YOUR LOVEY-DOVEY GOOEY WAND WITH A HEART ON IT. THAT IS REALLY LAME. TIME TO DIE." (Note: Tenten did this while borrowing my laptop and going and reading some Sailor Moon summaries. Don't ask why.)

The girl waved her heart wand at Tenten. Tenten stayed there. And stayed there. Then Tenten drew out her signature machine gun and shot the girl, who had a very dramatic death. The other Sailor Scouts ran away.

"That is REALLY lame," Sasuke said. Neji and Sakura knodded. Dosu was still crying, until Sasuke slapped him and threw a blanket over him to cover up the hideousness. Gaara yelled out in joy and destroyed the other Scouts and bathed in the death.

The bad guy then began to grow and grow and grow until it became a BIG GIANT PLANT. Wow. Scary. Sasuke drew out a BIG GIANT PAIR OF SCISSORS and snipped the giant plant away and dug out the roots and burned them with a fireball. The BIG GIANT SCARY BAD GUY was reduced to mere ash in a couple of minutes.

"YAY!" Tenten shrieked.

"YAY!" Gaara shrieked, and whacked the dead Scouts with his giant peanut.

_With Kiba, Hinata, Naruto, Akamaru, Kin, and Kankurou…_

"W-Where are we?" Kiba said.

"I don't know." Naruto replied.

"You never know anything, dobe," Kin said.

"WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU ALL OF THE SUDDEN SOUND LIKE THAT IDIOT SASUKE?!"

"Well, I thought that since that Sasuke wasn't here, I figured I'd fill that large hole in your heart!"

"I DON'T WANT THAT HOLE TO BE FILLED, THANK YOU!"

"Hmph. Ungrateful."

"KIN! MY LOVE!"

"Buzz-off, dweeb!"

"MY ONLY LOVE HAS CALLED ME DWEEB!" Kankurou began to cry. Hinata looked pitifully at him. Kankurou jumped up and grabbed Hinata's hands. "HINATA, MY LOVE!" Hinata sweatdropped.

"Why in the world are you jumping from one girl to the next?" Kiba asked.

"Because, the author figured she'd just have me with all the girls and then start pairing me up with the boys." Kankurou pointed at Kiba. "You're first. Better make this relationship with Hinata work for as long as possible."

"I—I must sacrifice myself for Hinata!" Kiba said with distress and hesitation. "I—Hinata is…Hinata is…Hinata is…she is in love with someone else!"

"I KNOW THAT, YOU FOOL! SHE WILL LOVE ME!"

"…the person she is in love with…is a supermodel! A very hot supermodel with silky gold hair and twinkling crystal clear blue eyes! He is rich and owns a mansion! And this man is very muscular, but not so muscular that he looks really weird! And he is a great ninja! And…he is better than you in every possible way! He even looks way cooler in purple makeup!"

"NO! IT CANNOT BE!" Kankurou started to cry. Hinata looked at Kiba.

"I-Is that r-really h-how you p-picture N-Naruto-k-kun?" she whispered.

"What do you think? Naruto's hair is spiky, not silky. He is not a supermodel, and his eyes are not crystal clear. He is not rich and he does not own a mansion. Naruto is not muscular at all. Naruto is not a really good ninja. Naruto does not look good in makeup."

"O-Oh."

"But I mean, he's a good person to crush on, I guess!" Kiba said. "Er, he's not all that bad!"

"T-Thanks…"

"…it cannot be! But you, you Kiba!" Kankurou held Kiba's hands. "You have convinced me to go straight at last! I am still gay in the happy way, though!"

"Now, Akamaru!"

Akamaru trotted down Kiba's shoulder, up to Kankurou, and lifted his leg over Kankurou's face, and…

"MY FACE! MY MAKEUP! MY MAKEUP IS BLURRY! MY FACE! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

Akamaru trotted, satisfied, back to Kiba.

"Good boy." Kiba gave Akamaru a dog treat.

"That's some way to handle it," Kin said.

"OH, NARUTO, MY LOVE!" Kankurou straightened his mini-skirt and grabbed Naruto's hands. "LET US GO OFF AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER WITH A BAND OF APES! LIKE TARZAN AND JANE!"

"…" Naruto started sweat. And sweat. His hair stood on end. He looked at Kankurou with a look of horror.

"What he means with his silence and his sweating and his hair stand-upping and his look of horror is that he is horrified by your ugliness," Kiba said. "GO, AKAMARU! ATOMIC BOMB HIM!"

Kiba threw Akamaru and Akamaru, well, let out…stuff on Kankurou. No, not liquid stuff. Brown stuff.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

_With Shikamaru and Temari…_

"Where are we troublesomely now?" Shikamaru asked.

"I dunno. I think we went the wrong way." Temari brought out a map and wiped the sweat off of her brow.

"OH, YEAH, WE WENT THE WRONG TROUBLESOME WAY!" Shikamaru waved his arms. "WE ARE IN A TROUBLESOME JUNGLE!"

"Oh, Shika-kun, forgive me! I know what'll make it better!" Temari hugged him very hard. Shikamaru began to turn blue. "OH! I'm sorry!" she released him. Shikamaru slumped to the ground. All of a sudden WHO fell out of the sky? Shino trying to hold his skirt down, Zaku, and Ino, her great bang flapping in the wind.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Shikamaru cried out as Zaku fell on him. Then Ino. Then Shino. All of a sudden, Ino jumped up and grabbed Shino's hands.

"Shino! I just realized, Shino rhymes with Ino! We should definitely be a couple!"

"Oh, but my heart is so broken! I am not sure I am ready for a serious relationship just yet…"

"I WILL FIX IT!" Ino took out a great knife and chopped Shino in half, dug out his heart, put a band-aid on it, put it back in, and then put the body back together with masking tape.

"OH, MY HEART IS ALL BETTER NOW! MY LOVE!"

"OH, SHINO!"

"INO!"

"NO!" Zaku cried dramatically, while Shino was momentarily distracted because one of his kidneys was getting out so he was patching himself up with masking tape.

"Why in the world are you interrupting our great romance?" Ino asked.

"Because the only other boy here is Shikamaru and the author said she wouldn't lay a finger on the InoXShika couple! So I have to step in and stop this…joke of a couple! For InoXZaku is much better! I should get all the girls, anyway! I should be able to kill Orochimaru with my great ninja powers!"

Orochimaru jumped into the scene and smacked Ino, Zaku and Shino sky-high.

"Oh, well. You go, too." Orochimaru smacked Shikamaru and Temari sky-high.

"TRRRRROOOOOOOOUUUUUBBBLLLLESSSSSSOMMMMMEEEEEEE!!"

"WHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! YAY!"

"Hmph. That takes care of that. Now…" Orochimaru found himself surrounded by large man-eating lions. "Good kitties…AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Merry Christmas, One and All!**_

Chapter Seven: Cross-dressers face off…and WHAT?!

_With Tenten, Sakura, Sasuke, Neji, Dosu, and Gaara…_

"What is that?" Sasuke asked, squinting into the distance. Dosu was still crying. All of a sudden, Dosu jumped up and grabbed Sasuke's hands.

"OH, SASUKE! I LOVE YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT!"

"What kind words…?"

"The kind words that you said! You said, 'Oh, Dosu. You should not pine over the loss of Kin and Zaku, for they were not worthy. You should move on to a new life! A new love! Loves!'"

"He said no such thing," Tenten said.

"I said no such thing," Sasuke said.

"MY SASUKE WOULD NEVER SAY SUCH A THING!" Sakura yelled.

"Oh. Maybe it was just in my head because I am insane. Oh, well! I love you more than anything in the world, my love!" Dosu cried. Sasuke looked at him, then gripped Dosu's hands tighter.

"Oh, Dosu! I love you too! That's why I'm gonna love doing…_this!_" Sasuke hauled Dosu up, up into the air and flipped him so Dosu landed hard on his hunched back.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

By this time, the 'thing in the distance' had gotten considerably larger. Tenten and Neji watched it while Sasuke kicked Dosu and Gaara made Sailor Moon patties. Their eyes widened. Kankurou ran up, covered in a yellow liquid and a brown gunk, makeup blurred.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"Hey! It's the other cross-dresser!" Sasuke said.

"OH, SASUKE!" Kankurou grabbed Sasuke's hands. "MY LOVE!"

"Wait. I thought you liked Kin when you left. Why are you going after boys all of a sudden?"

"Oh. Well, the author ran out of girls to pair me with, and the TemariXKankurou thing is disgusting, she thought, so now I'm going after all boys!"

"WAIT! HE IS MY LOVE!" Dosu cried.

"BRING IT ON!"

"THAT IS DISGUSTING!" Sakura yelled.

"Dynamic and Crippled Dosu is in one corner! Crippling Kankurou who is not crippled is in the other! Who will win this heated match?!" Tenten cried, announcer fashion, all of a sudden wearing a cap and a striped shirt and a whistle round her neck.

"I think they're both really lame and hope they beat each other up enough so they won't bother me anymore," Sasuke said.

"Dearest Tenten, you are right! Who will win this heated duel?!" Neji cried. Gaara looked up a moment before spinning his Sailor Moon patties around a paper stick and making cotton candy out of them.

Kankurou dove at Dosu. Dosu hit Kankurou in the chest. Kankurou yelled, "PERVERT!" and hit Dosu in the side. Dosu clutched his side in pain and headbutted Kankurou. Kankurou screamed in pain and bit Dosu's shoulder and tried to suck his blood. Dosu screamed and hit Kankurou. They tried whapping each other. Tenten, Neji, and Sasuke sweatdropped. They fell to the ground, exhausted.

"Cotton candy?" Gaara asked, holding out a spun Sailor Moon patty.

"No thanks. However…give some…refreshment to our…guests." Tenten pointed. Gaara took the hint, grabbed the two victims with his sand, and stuffed Sailor Moon patties down their throats. They gagged.

"Let's go," Tenten started to walk away.

"Yeah," Sasuke said.

"Of course, dearest Tenten!" Neji said.

"I will, cause Sasuke's going!" Sakura piped up.

"…" Gaara followed, carting his collection of alien and bug gelatin and Sailor Moon patties.

_With Hinata, Kiba, Kin, and Akamaru…_

"Where'd he go?" Naruto peered into the distance.

"I don't know and I don't care." Kiba said dully. "Anyway, I think we should be getting somewhere soon. Standing here in some clearing isn't exactly helping us, much."

"I recognize that! It's the Uchiha mansion!" Naruto cried.

"I-It's S-Sasuke's b-brother!" Hinata pointed.

"He looks younger somehow." Kiba said.

"I know! We traveled back in time and are now invisible to anyone of this present time! I saw it in a movie once!"

"Well, can't hurt to go look."

"Y-Yes."

The little group went and looked at what was happening. Itachi was…drinking tea with a little group of…little dolls. Made for little girls. With little teacups. And little toy guns in their hands.

"Oh, Mary Ann!" Itachi took the small, plastic hand of one of the fancier dolls with so much hair someone could drown in it. "You are my ideal girl! When I grow up, I want to be your groom!"

"…" Everyone sweatdropped.

"But, Little Susie! I love you too, but you are too young for me!" Itachi said. "What? You say age does not matter!? Then we shall…"

"He is doing something very inappropriate and messed up." Kiba said. "He is kissing a plastic doll."

"Man. And I thought Sasuke was weird."

"I AM SO SORRY, LITTLE SUSIE! I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE NOT EMOTIONALLY READY! I SHALL MAKE OUT WITH MARY ANN WHILE I WAIT! THEN YOU WILL INSIST I CHEATED YOU AND IT WILL BECOME A DRAMATIC SOAP OPERA!"

"…"

"What are you doing…? And why are you kissing a doll? Again?" a younger Sasuke said, coming out of the house.

"I am making out with Mary Ann!" Itachi cried.

"Jeez. Mom says you're 'mature' once and you get all obsessed about it. Me, I'm sincerely glad I can't marry till I'm sixteen or eighteen."

"You are missing all the pleasures of life!" Itachi continued to kiss Mary Ann.

"You sick person." Sasuke went behind Itachi, grabbed Little Susie, and hit Itachi with her. Little Susie's arm broke. Then Sasuke tossed her into the air, made a couple of hand signs, and yelled, "Grand Fireball!"

"Little Susie" was reduced to ash and melted plastic in a couple of minutes.

"OH, LITTLE SUSIE! I AM SO SORRY! THIS IS MY FAULT FOR NOT CARING FOR YOU MORE AND MAKING OUT WITH MARY ANN!"

Sasuke walked behind Itachi, grabbed Mary Ann, and broke her in half, and tossed her at Itachi's head. Then he blew a fireball at Itachi's hair and dumped the big pot of tea on his back. Then Sasuke threw all the little china cups at Itachi and they broke.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! SADISTIC BROTHER!"

"Call it what you want. I call it being sane. Anyway…" Sasuke made a couple of hand signs and turned into an Itachi. This Itachi/Sasuke brought out a large machine gun and ran inside the Uchiha mansion. There was the sound of a couple of bullets. Then Itachi/Sasuke ran out, covered in gore, and became himself again. He dragged Itachi and then threw him clear out of Konoha, dropping the machine gun. A small Tenten with her hair tied in small buns ran up, grabbed the machine gun, and snickered evilly.

"No one saw that, right?" Kiba asked.

Everyone else knodded.

_With Dosu and Kankurou…_

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Kankurou spit out the patties. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU HADN'T GONE AND FOUGHT ME FOR SASUKE, THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED! NOW MY TRUE LOVE IS GONE!"

"NO WAY! SASUKE BELONGS TO ME! WE ARE THE PERFECT COUPLE!" Dosu cried.

"Wait. We are two girls, right? And I am gay, and you are gay/straight. So why can't we be a couple?" Kankurou asked.

"I don't know. And no one has ever covered the DosuXKankurou pairing before…I think. That'd be highly original."

"Yeah. Nothing wrong with it. Oh. But it would KankurouXDosu, not DosuXKankurou."

"WHATEVER! LET'S MAKE OUT, NOW!"

"OKAY!" Kankurou cried in a high pitched voice. The author covered her eyes and walked away.

_With Shikamaru and Temari…_

"SHIKA-KUN! LOOK WHERE WE ARE!"

"I troublesomely cannot move, troublesome woman. My troublesome body is troublesomely aching with troublesome pain."

"BUT SHIKA-KUN, WE ARE AT THE NORTH POLE!"

"Yay. Troublesome OW!"

"LET'S GO, SHIKA-KUN!" Temari dragged Shikamaru inside.

"Hello!" a little elf said.

"TIME TO COME WITH US, LITTLE ELF!" Temari whacked it with her fan and prepared to tie it up in a sack.

"NO! ELF DEFENSE SQUAD 1!" a band of highly armed elves ran up. Temari yelled out her battle cry (Shika-kun) and began to beat them with her large fan. Shikamaru closed his eyes and went to sleep. Mostly because he knew what would happen, not because he was so emotional he could not bear to see the little elves in pain. Also because he was really sore and tired and could use a nap. Meanwhile, the author is going to write what happened to Temari…in the next Temari and Shikamaru section!


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

_**Merry Christmas, One and All!**_

Chapter Eight: I Wish You a Merry Christmas!

_With Shikamaru and Temari…_

Author's Note: I decided to start with a Shikamaru and Temari section this chapter because last chapter I left you at such a cliff hanger! Well, not much of one. You should be able to predict what happened, but I will write it to you in words.

"NO! SHE HAS BEATEN DOWN OUR ELF DEFENSE SQUAD 1! GO, 2 and 3!" the elf commander cried. Dozens of little elves with rolls of tape and wrapping paper rolls and peppermint sticks ran out. Temari whacked them all aside with her fan.

"Take me to your leader!" she cried out. "Or give me one of your elves as Shika-kun's present!"

"Never! We must send out the specialized squad specialized for attacks from crazy dangerous-hairstyle girls with large fans! Go, Specialized Squad!"

Around fifteen little elves with safety pins in their hands ran out. Temari sweatdropped and hit them all aside with her fan.

"NO! She has defeated the Specialized Squad! I must run away!" the commander ran away. Temari followed him. A big, chubby man with a great white beard came out.

"What is going on? HOHOHO!"

"DIE, SANTA!"

"HELP ME, SOMEBODY! HOHOHO!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Meanwhile, Shikamaru had awoken and was playing cards with the downed elf in the sack. Temari emerged sometime later, lugging along a big sack of toys.

"MAN! Now that Santa is dead, WE HAVE TO DELIVER THESE PRESENTS! Or Christmas will die! Which cannot happen because I need to give you your present!" Temari said. "Put this on." She tossed the large red suit at Shikamaru.

"I CAN'T TROUBLESOMELY WEAR THIS!"

"PUT IT ON! Please, Shika-kun?"

Shikamaru obeyed, only to find that it was way too big for him.

"No worries." Temari pointed at her blood-covered dress. "I'll be Santa. You go get into an elf's costume."

"…" Shikamaru got in it. He looked horribly ridiculous.

"YAY! IT FITS! LET'S GO, DEERIES!" she lugged the big sack to the sleigh and dumped it inside, dragging Shikamaru to the other seat. The reindeer stood there. Temari's voice became low and dangerous. "You will go…or I will poke you with the sharpest of my ponytails."

The reindeer began to sweat and began to run at the speed of light.

_With Zaku, Ino, and Shino…_

Author's Note: I just realized I didn't put a Zaku, Ino and Shino section in the last chapter…sorry.

"WHERE ARE WE, SHINO-KUN???"

"I DON'T KNOW, INO-CHAN!!!"

"NOT YOU, ZAKU!!! SHINO-KUN???"

"I DON'T KNOW, INO-CHAN!!!"

"Oh, come on! He gave the answer I did! He even gave the same number of exclamation marks!" Zaku cried. "I will show you I am better, Ino! I will show you!"

"How?!"

"I don't know! But I will!"

"That's lame. I have a horde of man-eating bugs and you have empty words."

"NO! I MUST SHOW YOU…MY SECRET WEAPON!" Zaku began to play his theme song, and slowly drew out…

…Itachi's rubber duckie.

"HYAAAH! I AM SORRY, INO-CHAN! IT HAS TO BE DONE!" Zaku squirted the duckie at Shino. Shino screamed as purple goo covered him. Shino melted. Some of the purple goo got on Zaku and Zaku screamed. Zaku melted. Ino screamed and ran away. Across the ocean. To Konoha, in fact.

_With Tenten, Sasuke, Gaara, and Neji…_

"Hey, look. We're in Konoha again. Yay." Sasuke said dully.

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!" Tenten cried.

"Oh yes, Santa is on his sleigh!" Gaara cried.

"Yay, Gaara! You're getting the rhyming!"

"No! Santa is coming on his…her sleigh!"

A bloody Temari rode up, whipping the poor reindeer with all the strength she could muster. Shikamaru was throwing presents down at the houses with all the strength he could muster.

"OW!" Neji cried, rubbed his head, and picked up the lamp that had fallen on his head. A bowling ball fell out of the sky and hit him flat. Neji cried out in pain.

"Oh, Neji! I will cure you and impress Sasuke-kun!" Sakura drew out a huge band-aid and a large jar of ointment, plopped a huge glob of ointment on his head, and wrapped the large band-aid around it. The oily ointment slid down Neji's face.

"I am very humiliated," he said slowly.

"You know, you've been humiliated this whole fanfiction! Get used to it already!" Tenten said.

"Ow. Harsh." Sasuke said dully. "Christmas is dead."

"YAY!" Gaara cried, for a big glob of tomato sauce had fallen down upon him, flecked with blood. He began to decorate his patties.

_With Hinata, Kiba, Naruto, Akamaru, and Kin…_

"How long have we been walking?" Naruto asked.

"I don't know, but I see Konoha. And Sasuke, Sakura, Tenten, Neji, and Gaara. And Temari and Shikamaru in a flying sleigh dropping things down and hitting people." Kiba replied.

"Where is Zaku? And my other really weird gay teammate?" Kin asked.

"I-It's l-late…" Hinata said.

"Yeah, it is late. Around midnight, I think." Kiba said.

Naruto yawned and curled up on the ground. Kiba kicked him.

"COME ON! NOW'S NOT THE TIME TO SLEEP!"

"But I want more ramen….give me more ramen…or I will unleash the Kyuubi…and then Konoha will be destroyed…" Naruto mumbled. Kiba sighed and with the help of Hinata, managed to lift the unconscious Naruto up and drag him to Konoha. Just in time for…

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SHINO-KUN! ZAKU! THEY MELTED!" Ino cried, running through the scene and running Hinata, Kiba and Naruto over. Sasuke caught her collar as she ran past him.

"You. Big bang girl. What in the world are you talking about?! And why in the world did you run them over? I mean, I have no problem with you running Naruto over, but why the other two?"

"Oh, Sasuke! It was terrible!" Ino prepared to sob into his shoulder. Sasuke poked her head. Hard, so it left a little red mark.

"Tell me now or prepare to die. The little red mark on your head is perfect for target pratice…and you know Tenten has 100 accuracy."

"YES!" Ino calmed down as Tenten and Neji helped Naruto, Hinata and Kiba up. Kin came by and helped them.

"Okay...so I loved Shino because Shino rhymes with Ino, but then Zaku got jealous because Shino got me, the beautiful, intell—"

"ON WITH IT!" yelled Sakura.

"Okay! Ino! So Zaku took out this duck and squirted Shino with this purple stuff, and then they melted! AND I RAN AWAY!"

"…" Sasuke thought. "I know what that was…it was Little Susie's stupid duck. Itachi uses it in his bath."

"Wait! So…that…we really traveled through time…well, not really time…but a scene exactly like…WHAT?!" Kiba cried.

"Yeah. I'll tell you the story. Itachi was infatuated with these two dolls, Little Susie and Mary Ann, so I killed them and tossed them in the garbage because he was driving me nuts. Then Itachi went beserk and killed everyone and ran away."

"…"

"…"

"O-Oh…"

"And Little Susie's Little Duck, that shoots out…"

"WHAT?!" Ino asked excitedly.

Sasuke shrugged. "It shoots out soap. Come on! Why would you think Itachi used it in his bath?"

"So that means…Zaku and Shino never washed…so…THAT IS DISGUSTING!" Kin cried.

_With Temari and Shikamaru…_

"We're making good time, Shikamaru! Keep throwing!" Temari cried.

"Watch where you're going, trouble—AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! WATCH OUT FOR THAT TROUBLESOME TREE!"

SMASH. BANG. NEIGH. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

"TROUBLESOME WOMAN!" Shikamaru cried, stepping over the reindeer corpses and the wreckage of the once great sleigh.

"Oh well! At least we didn't get hurt!"

"MY TROUBLESOME RIB IS BROKEN! OOOWWWWWW!!!!!!"

"Oh well! At least I didn't get hurt!"

"You got a troublesome scrape." Shikamaru pointed.

"THIS IS TRAGIC! Hey, look! The rest of the people!" Temari pointed and ran to go say hi to them.

_With everybody…_

"Hey, Temari! Look! It's 12:01! Christmas morning!" Tenten said.

"B-But…I-I haven't g-given N-Naruto-k-kun his p-present…" Hinata said softly.

"I know what's your present, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura said happily.

"…what? Something dangerous, I hope."

"No! I love you, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura hugged him tightly. A large vein ticked in Sasuke's forehead and pretty soon, he was chasing after Sakura with an atomic bomb.

"SASUKE-KUN! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY YOU LOVE ME!"

"You know, Neji." Tenten tapped Neji on the shoulder.

"Yes, dearest Tenten?"

"You don't have to call me 'dearest' Tenten. It's annoying."

"Very well, loved Tenten!"

"Okay. You asked for it." Tenten drew out her machine gun and chased after Neji.

"WAIT! BUT! WAIT! NO, PLEASE, SPARE ME, LOVED TENTEN!"

"You know, Kiba." Ino tapped him on the shoulder.

"What is it…?"

"My heart is broken. You should fix it." Ino winked prettily. "And Inuzuka Ino sounds pretty good."

"…" Kiba looked at her and sweatdropped. He pointed. "AKAMARU! ATOMIC BOMB HER!" Ino began to run as fast as she could away with Akamaru on her heels.

"SOMEONE, HELP ME!"

"I love you, my little patties." Gaara hugged his patties.

"Dumb teammates," Kin muttered.

"N-Naruto-k-kun…I-I'm s-sorry…I-I didn't g-give y-you your present e-earlier…" Hinata slowly lugged the ramen over to Naruto. Naruto cried out in joy and dove inside. He emerged a half second later, covered in ramen, and then handed something very sticky to Hinata. Hinata looked at it. It was a little peppermint stick.

"I thought you might like peppermint!" Naruto dove back inside.

"T-Thank y-you, N-Naruto-k-kun!" Hinata blushed and put it in her pocket, later to be preserved in a glass case.

"Shika-kun, I'm sorry I didn't get you your elf, when you so generously gave me those dirty carrot tubers!" Temari pouted.

"I don't troublesomely care."

"So, I decided to give you something else instead!" Temari leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. Shikamaru turned beet red and fell onto the ground.

"Shika-kun, are you okay?" Temari prodded his elf costume with a finger.

"She reeks of blood…" Shikamaru mumbled.

"OH, DOSU-CHAN!"

"OH, KANKUROU-CHAN!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

_Far away next to a computer…_

And so this story ends! And I tried pairing up everybody unsuccessfully! So I tried to do as many as possible! I believe I covered NejiXTenten, SasukeXTenten, KankurouXTenten, GaaraXTenten, NejiXIno, KinXNeji, KinXKankurou, KankurouXSakura, KankurouXIno, KankurouXDosu, KankurouXHinata, KankurouXKiba, KankurouXNaruto (wow, Kankurou got paired with a lot of people), HinataXNaruto, KibaXHinata, TemariXShikamaru, TemariXDead Bob, KankurouXSasuke, DosuXPool, DosuXKin, DosuXZaku, DosuXSasuke, SasukeXSakura, KibaXIno, ItachiXLittle Susie, ItachiXMary Ann, NarutoXSakura, GaaraXPatties…I think that was all of them. I'm not sure. So, bye bye, everyone! And watch out for heavy stuff falling on you! Especially on Christmas!


End file.
